Sometimes I ask myself, "Why do I still care?" or "Why am I still holding on when there's nothing there?" Then after minutes of pondering and torturing my mind with these questions, it all comes down to this: I love you.

I don't give a crap about how old I am and how the majority of this world would say, "You're too young for love. Stick to school and your studies." There's nothing that says, "No falling in love until 21."

I'm a 15 year old teenager trying to get through the complications, obstacles, and mazes through life. Having to deal with this just adds more complications.

For the past 9 months, there hasn't been a time where I haven't thought about this. Alright, so he talked me. So what? My feelings isn't an on and off switch. Just because he talked to me doesn't change what I feel or what I want. "You'll find someone new" or "You'll get over him soon and move on." Shut the hell up. You don't have the slightest idea about how I feel. And if you really do know, you wouldn't be saying those things.

For the past 9 months, I think we've exchanged about less than 1,000 words to each other. It's sad, it really is. Someone who I consider one of my best friends. Someone who was there for me all the time. Someone who listened to me when I spoke. Someone who didn't push me aside. Someone who didn't judge me. It's really sad how we don't talk. We can't even say hi to each other unless we're forced to.

I don't know what to do. I tried to move on, I really have. I did develope certain interests among a few guys. But those were nothing. They were merely weak feelings. So what if I found this person attractive? It's simply an attraction, nothing more. I don't feel connected with the person. True, it's probably my fault for not fully giving them a chance. But I could care less. I rather not waste my time with guys I know are not worth it.

I hate how my sadness was the main reason for our separation. But at the same time, I understand. It was absolutely my fault for feeling sad when I had no reason to be sad at all. I was with someone who I wanted to be with, what could be so sad about that? Of course, even up to today, those reasons will remain nameless. But nonetheless, I have learned in so many ways you can't imagine.

Yet, I think the saddest part is how I can remember so many memories that made us so close yet now we're so far apart. So near yet so far.

I remember the laughs and the tears. I remember everything before, during, and after. I can never forget. Going to Santa Cruz makes me sad. Walking through the halls of St. Mary's makes me even sadder. Standing in the 4th grade room reminds me of the summer of 2003. It was filled with countless bets on the game "Idiot", jokes played on Adrian, times where we screwed ourselves over like how we ran away to Riptide. Standing in the 8th grade room reminds me of magic card tricks. Standing the K room reminds me of summer of 2004. Standing in the library reminds me of Uno and Jenga of 2004. Being at Lowell is the hardest of them all. I see you.

Sometimes I wish you weren't so nice to me. Sometimes I wish I could hate you. That way, it'd be easier for me to deal with this. But of course I don't want to make an enemy out of you. It's just hard beings friends with someone you love.

When Kent broke up with me, my heart was shattered into a million pieces. It was just lying there, broken. Everyone who knew about the situation just passed on by, ignoring me. But you, you were different. We had only known each other for a few weeks and yet you were the one to stop and help put it back together, even with no intention invovled. Kind of like from one episode of Hey Arnold and how Arnold put his umbrella over Helga because her dad just left her in the rain.

After jotting down all these things, I seem to have lost my train of thought. It's amazing how after 9 months, I still feel the same way about you. And I can say for sure, that it'll never stop.

Call me crazy, call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid
After all of this time.